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Chapter14
We all sat in silence for a good 10 minutes with me trying to reign in my breakdown. I had just been informed that Lucas had wanted me hurt. Judy and Jenny had remained quiet the entire time. My family were trying to comfort Lucas to help him calm down as well. Once we had calmed ourselves down I couldn't help but bite out "So he confesses to harming his so-called sister and you all support him but not a 13-year-old kid. You all just believed Harry because I was frozen and blocked the truth from coming out for 4 years. Ha, you have got to be kidding me". I was getting angry now. "If I could turn back time Matilda I would, trust me on that. I hate myself for how I behaved after your mother was murdered. Tell me what to do to fix this and I will do it" my dad said. I just shook my head and replied, "You can't fix it, you can't go back in time and you sure as hell can't give me back my innocence which I lost in juvie".
All heads snapped to me including Jenny and Judy. "Tilly please tell me you don't mean that you were raped in that place, it was bad enough when we found you in segregation" Jenny said. "No no that's not what I meant. I was just a child when I went in, an innocent child at that. I had no one to turn to and no one willing to fight for me. I had to learn to rely on myself. I didn't get to have a childhood. I had no one come to visit, no one to call and chat to, no one who would care if I never made it out of juvie. I am no longer the innocent 13-year-old I was when I went into that place. I had to learn to defend myself. I had to hurt other people so I would not end up dead. I never wanted to be like that. I should never have had to break someone's wrist to stop her from stabbing me. My body shouldn't have scars on me like it does from different beatings I got over the years. I shouldn't have PTSD and panic attacks thinking any angry man is going to beat me. I shouldn't wake through the night screaming from reliving my mother's murder and from every beating I ever received from my family and the people in juvie. I will never be the same again. No amount of glue or sticky tape will ever fix any of that. I no longer have a family who would be there for me when I needed them, I no longer think the world is a beautiful place waiting for me to discover it. That was my innocence and nothing anyone does will bring it back" I say. Jenny reaches for a tissue to wipe her eyes. Lucas is hunched back over sobbing, Ethan is looking at the ceiling wiping his eyes, Joshua keeps going to say something but stops himself and my father looks how I feel, broken.
"Matty, sorry Matilda, you are right we can't change what has happened, but we can't let you go either. We want you in our lives and we want to help you heal. We want to help you finish school and find a dream you can work towards. We want to prove to you every day that we will be there for you and make up for the fact we weren't. We will say sorry for the rest of our lives if you let us into your life" Joshua says. "I finished school without any help from you. I also am working towards my dream of becoming a lawyer which I did without any of you and will continue to do without your help. I don't need you anymore, you all made sure of that. I start my degree next year and I have almost saved enough to get my textbooks and a new laptop. You again are so focused on what you all want you can't see that forcing me to move back to the house where I saw my mother get murdered and beaten by my family would harm me. You are all being selfish and expect me to just go with what you want because legally I'm not an adult yet. But guess what juvie made me grow up quickly, you all made me grow up quickly and I will not change to accommodate any of you. Forcing me to live with people who caused me harm will only make me hate you even more. You can't force me to forgive you and you can't force me to want you in my life because right now you are only pushing me further away. I am fighting for me because none of you ever did and I am worth fighting for" I say.
I feel good to get this all of my chest. I am feeling freer. I haven't forgiven them for what they have done and don't know if I ever will be able to but I feel lighter in a way to finally have a voice. I don't know if they are listening but I know in my heart that I can move forward without regretting standing up and fighting for myself. Yes I wished that they had fought for the little girl who was frozen on the stairs but now I'm going to fight for her. I will be strong and I will be her voice now.