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Chapter22
"Oh god, what have I done," my father said and all eyes snapped to him. "You're right I wanted someone to blame and you were the easy target. Harry said he saw you and I was so caught up in my grief I didn't stop to think. I didn't see my daughter broken at the top of the stairs. The anger consumed me and it justified everything I did to you. I can say sorry a hundred times a day but it will never change what I did. I will live with that regret for the rest of my life. There is nothing more that I want than to have my daughter in my life but I can't force it. Can we try to build our relationship please Matty? God, you look so much like your mother. She would never forgive me for what I did to you. I see you, I see the broken little girl still in there that cried out for her family. I relive you begging us to just hear you. You are worth fighting for and I fucked up once. I will never stop fighting for you Matty even when you stop fighting for yourself. I won't make the same mistake twice" my father said shaking his head.
Good, I'm glad my mum would never forgive you. It meant I was worth fighting for. It might sound stupid but what they did has me questioning my worth. If my own family could turn, would my mum have done the same? To hear she wouldn't be what I needed. Did it fix what was done? No, but nothing would fix that.
We spent another hour and a half with me telling them every little thing that was done to me in juvie and what I had to do to survive. By the end Lucas was a sobbing mess, well all of them were sobbing. I let them know there was no going back on our relationship, it would never be the same because I was different now. We all knew I didn't need them at all and I don't think they liked that. I once saw my dad and brothers as people to look up to and now all I saw was how broken they were. I used to rely on my family for everything and now I rely on myself. I didn't see them as loyal or trustworthy. They were just people I used to know.
I let them know that they couldn't parent me anymore, they couldn't have the role of father and brother because they no longer deserved it and had lost that right the first time they abused me. Not every story has a happy ending. Did I think this was the end of our story? No, it was the end of the chapter and maybe we could write new roles for them, but it would only ever be on my terms. We all agreed we were the only remaining connection to Mum and that is where we would start in trying to build a foundation for some sort of relationship. I wasn't ready to cut my only connection to my mother. At the end of the session, they all asked for a hug but I was not ready. One therapy session wasn't going to erase anything. I needed to get some of this aggression, hate and anxiety out and there was only one thing that would help. That was to head to the gym. I got back to the Addison at 12 changed and ran off to the gym.
I got to the gym and strapped my hands putting on my boxing gloves. I needed to hit something because there was too much going on in my head. So that's what I did. For an hour I hit the punching bag letting it all out. I didn't notice Bryson watching me and I sure as hell didn't hear him calling my name. I just needed to get the noise out of my head.
Someone grabbed me and I went to swing but was pulled into a hug. I fought to break the hug until I realised it was Bryson and just let it all out. I balled my eyes out, I cried for the loss of my family, I cried for my mum, I cried because I would never get back what I lost, and I cried because I had no one in my corner. I wanted my mum to help me get ready for tonight and I wanted a dad who would tell me how beautiful I looked before warning the guy not to hurt me. Instead, my family hurt me and I felt utterly alone. I was sick of being strong and fighting because no one else had fought for me.