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Chapter21
My father and Joshua sat on opposite sides of the three-seater couch, Ethan and Lucas sat on the chairs, and the psych had a big black computer chair he sat on leaving me to either sit between my father and Joshua which ain't happening or find another seat. In the back corner of the room, was a small green table and chair set which is clearly meant for small children. I walked over grabbed one of the chairs and brought it close to the wall near where the psychologist was sitting.
Everyone was watching me and looked somewhat disappointed. I sit myself down on the green chair and look towards the psych. "Are you sure you don't want to sit on the couch?" The psych says. I shake my head. Why would I sit next to the people I didn't trust? I don't want any of them touching me and sitting there is too close for my liking, heck Being in this room with them all is too close. "Right, let's get started then. My name is John Sims and I will be your family therapist. I am here to help facilitate a safe space for you all to begin communicating again. I have read the intake form but would still like to hear from Matilda about what she hopes to gain out of these sessions. Your father is the one who filled out the forms so I am aware of what he hopes to achieve. I would also like you, Matilda, to give me a summary of what led up to your separation from the family. I understand you spent time in juvie. I also wish to disclose I am aware of your case as it was on the news. This is a safe space for you all to discuss anything, everyone will remain respectful of each other and listen" John said. I nodded and the entire room was quiet with all eyes on me. I was fiddling with the bottom of my shirt. Oh right, I have to talk. Let's get it done then, here goes nothing.
"I'm not sure what I want to achieve with these sessions. My main thing is I want freedom from the pain they caused, freedom from the memories and nightmares, I want them to know everything in hopes of me moving on with my life. I want them to know how I lost my innocence. I spent over 4 years in juvie and it changed me. But even before that, they abandoned me, they beat me, they ignored me, they hated me but most importantly they broke me. I saw my mum get murdered and none of them were there for me. They believed a murder. None of them fought for me. I am not worth fighting for" I said whispering the last part more to myself but they all heard me. I was now looking at my hands and was fighting the urge to get up and leave.
Everyone was looking at me but I wasn't going to meet anyone's eye. I was not going to give them the satisfaction of seeing me in tears again. I needed to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it. "Is there anything you want to add Matilda?" John asked. I just shook my head. "Does anyone have anything to add to what Matilda has just said?" John asked. "Sweetheart we are so sorry, we made a mistake. We were in pain with the loss of your mother" my father started. "A mistake? You cost me my childhood. You had the answer in front of you, right from the beginning, and yet none of you bothered to check it. You were in pain? So what you took that pain out on your daughter? A mistake is not abandoning your daughter for over 4 years after breaking her. A mistake is thinking you will be able to be a family after the damage each of you caused" I spat. "Matty don't say that, we are always going to be your family" Ethan said. "My family died, she was murdered. Just because we are blood-related doesn't mean any of you are my family. You all made that very clear after Mum's funeral or do I need to remind you all of what was said? I remember everything. I relive every word, every beating, every moment of what you did to me. It's on repeat every night when I go to sleep. Do any of you? Do you think that's a mistake? Do you think sorry can fix my nightmares? No, it won't. You think what you did was a mistake, but I guarantee you that if I had got out at 18 instead of you finally watching the footage, none of you would be thinking what you did was a mistake. None of you would even consider me family. None of you would have cared if I left juvie in a body bag. So don't sit here and pretend to care because now you know I'm innocent, don't insult my intelligence. You all enjoyed every last second of what you did to me. You are not sorry for what you did, you are sorry you now don't have a reason to justify it" I said.