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Chapter20
Today is Friday and my first session with the counsellor and family. I was on my way to the office going through everything in my head of what I wanted to say. I knew it would take more than one session. I wanted them to know everything from my perspective for my sake, not there's. I wanted to get it all out for me to be able to move forward. Would it mean me forgiving them? Probably not because I don't think I could. Then again forgiving them was for myself not for them as Paris has told me. I know I will never forget what they did, but I didn't want that to dictate who I became. What they did impacted me enough and shaped who I will always be. I needed to be able to trust people weren't going to stab me in the back any chance they got or jump me as I walked past. I believed by doing these sessions and telling them everything, that that may help me to move forward in my life. I also had my first date with Harley tonight, well first ever date with anyone. He had told me he was taking me to the movies. I was excited about that. I used to love going to the movies with Mum so it was a perfect first date. I wish my mum was here to help me get ready though, but Levi has said that they were going to help me and do my hair all pretty for my date. They would meet me at 5 in my room to pick my outfit do my hair and warn Harley just like a parent would. Their words, not mine.
I get off the bus and start walking to the building where our family therapy sessions are going to be held. I have a swarm full of bees in my stomach but am determined to do this. I stop at the Coffee shop out front and order myself a latte and a bottle of water to take with me into the sessions. This also helps delay me walking into the session but you know coffee is important. As I go to pay someone beats me to it. I look behind me and see it's Lucas and he paid for my stuff. Did he really think paying for coffee and water would make me magically forgive him? Yes, I know I'm being a bitch but you can't buy your way into my life. I literally spent years in juvie with nothing so money and material things don't impress me.
"I was just grabbing coffee for everyone and saw you here so thought I would come and offer to walk you up" Lucas said while pointing to the building. I then noticed he had a tray with four coffee cups in his hands. "Umm thanks, you head up I'll just wait for my coffee" I replied. To be honest I was trying to delay going in. I was 10 minutes early and didn't want to be in the waiting room, sitting awkwardly with my family. "I don't mind waiting" he said and he wasn't budging. I didn't want to cause a scene in public so I walked over to the coffee machine to wait for my order hoping I could just disappear into the crowd.
Unfortunately, Lucas followed me and waited with me. He didn't attempt to talk to me just stood with me. It was awkward as hell but I didn't know how to act or what to say. After a few minutes of silence, Lucas asked "So what are your plans for the rest of the day?" Without thinking I said, "I have a date tonight, my first date ever. I'm nervous about it". Oops, I tend to talk before my mind catches up when I'm uncomfortable. I took a glance at Lucas to see him watching me because I was sure I was as red as a tomato. "Who is the lucky guy? Or it could be a girl maybe" he stuttered out. "His name is Harley, he is my age and we live together" Again verbal dribble because I don't think when I'm nervous. Give a girl a break. I was starved of proper interactions while in juvie. I was a loner and I'm trying here, I really am. My mouth-to-brain filter needs tinkering with. Lucas didn't look impressed but whatever, he went to say something just as my order was called. I rushed to the counter and thanked them for my coffee before heading into the office building. Lucas was following close behind before leading me to where we needed to be.
"Ran into Matilda while waiting for our coffee so waited with her till her order was ready" Lucas told my family. He handed out the coffees to everyone and took his. I sat a few seats away from them looking at my coffee cause it was so interesting. "Matilda has a date tonight with a guy she is living with," Lucas said. All eyes were now on me. "You live with a bloke?" Joshua asked. Oh, now you want to act like a brother? Yeh, nah man, not happening. I couldn't believe how easily I slipped back into being angry with them rather than feeling nothing. I looked up to see my father and brothers waiting for my answer and not seeming to be impressed with my living arrangement. I gave a small nod and then went back to looking at my coffee. They don't need to know my business and have no right to. "Matilda explain," my father said. I looked up at him "What?" I asked. I hadn't had to explain myself to him in years and didn't intend to start now. He wouldn't allow me to explain myself when my mum was killed and now he expects me to. Back the hell off buddy. "Explain why you are living with a boy and who approved of you dating him" My father spat.
Oh yeah, shit is going to hit the fan before we get into the psych office. "First off I don't need to explain myself to you or anyone for that matter. You lost that right when you beat me. Second I am my own person and I get to decide if and when I date someone. I don't need or want your permission" I spat back. He looked taken back and my brothers looked just as shocked. I guess they didn't expect me to stand up for myself and talk to my father with such hatred in my voice. We spent the next couple of minutes in complete awkward silence before the psych called us in for family counselling. Oh joy this should be fun now.